I am sure if you have turned on a television in the past few days, it has been plastered with headlines regarding the battling Koreas. The question in all of our minds: What will happen next? I have no clue. Kim Jong Il, is one crazy tiny man so it remains uncertain what his next act will be. For any of you who are a little hazy as to who the beloved dictator from the north is or why people think he's out of his gourd, here are just a few glimpes into his land of make-believe.
#1: He had a supernatural birth.
According to North Korean historical literature [Kim John Il was born in a log cabin, inside a secret base, on Korea's most sacret mountain, Mt. Paekdu. At the moment of his birth, a bright star lit up the sky, the seasons spontaneously changed from winter to spring and a double rainbow appeared.] Hot damn. Well well, aren't you supposedly special. Funny how this glorious story is contradictory to every single other account of his birth. Other accounts state that the dictator was born in a guerilla camp in Russia, while his father was on the run from the Japanese. Now, KJ. I understand why you wouldn't want your starving...whoops...beloved followers to know that you were a nameless child who was born in a camp while Daddy was fleeing from the Japanese, but come on now. Not only can you manipulate mother nature but you get your own personal star AND a double rainbow? No one likes a liar.
#2. Kim Jong Il has a distinctive appearance.
No one ever has to ask, "Who is that tiny little man with the ill-fitting glasses and khaki windbreaker?" It's obvious from his signature hairstyle and carefully concealed platform sandals (he's 5'2'') that it's North Korea's favorite dictator.
#3. Kim Jong Il is multi-talented.
He claims to be the worlds best golfer, composer of 6 operas, choreographer of elaborate musicals and a world renown Internet expert. Sure. In a closed off, communist country that is a complete mystery to the rest of the world. Golf, compose, choreograph and internet surf away.
#4. KJ loves films. Not likes. Loves. By the 1970's his film collection had grown to more than 15,000 films (these were on the huge reels for theaters) and has a special place in his grinch-sized heart for Hollywood movies. His favorites are said to include Rambo, Friday the 13th and all of the James Bond series. He loves movies so much that in the 70's he kidnapped a prominant South Korean filmaker to make him his very own film. The film was basicaly a communist propoganda version of Godizlla. Sounds fun right? After the lucky escape of the film maker, the communist leader gave his second-string film makers one demand: make more cartoons.
Now this post isn't to make you think that I am not taking the attack on South Korea seriously. I am. I am just trying to show you the crazy man behind the attacks and maybe make you giggle. Really, Mom? Not even a little one? A tiny Korean man who loves wearing platform sandals (probably bright pink with hello kitty), wearing oversized sunglasses and is the best choreographer of all time? There you go. I knew the kitty would get you.
To all those who are worried, know that I am prepared and well informed. Think of it this way. If something does happen (God forbid) it just means that I get to come home all the sooner.
I knew that would do the trick. Smiles all around.
